Her loveliness I never knew
Until
she smiled on me. --Hartley
Coleridge, Song
In truth, at the root of this fancy lay her curls and her jersey, which became her remarkably well, and the desire for greater proximity. --Leo Tolstoy (1891, "The Kreutzer Sonata").
And then it will come to pass that she will rest
her eyes on the knight and he will rest his on her, and each will appear to the
other as something that is nearer divine than human; and, without knowing how or
why it comes about, they will find themselves caught and entangled in love's
inextricable net, with a deep pain in their hearts at not being able to put into
words their longings and desires. --Miguel de Cervantes (Don Quixote,
1605:162)
Usage: In courtship's first stage, signals go out to announce a. "I am here," b. "I am female" (or "I am male"), and c. "I mean you no harm--you may approach." These are the generic courting cues animals send to notify potential mates of a. their physical presence, b. their sex, and c. their good will (i.e., "I won't attack"). Crickets, e.g., chirp, peacocks display, and lions nuzzle like kittens.
Presence I. Bright colors, floral prints, bold lines, and geometric shapes attract the eye (see BODY ADORNMENT), as do necklaces, bracelets, and watches that gleam in evening's dim (i.e., crepuscular) lights. Designed to spot colorful fruits and berries from a distance, our primate eyes notice feminine necks decorated with strings of round, pigmented beads (which catch eyes and whet a desire to reach out and touch what seems to be "edible"). Worn as corsages, flowers designed to lure pollinating insects attract the eye, as well, and tempt our nose with their sweet fragrance.
Presence II. Our mammalian nose detects the warm, musky aroma of animal steroids, such as the male hormone, testosterone (see AROMA CUE). From the beginning of life, sexual communication in plants and animals has relied on the chemical sense. And courtship today is no less reliant on smell, e.g., at a singles' bar, where a man's best cologne alerts a woman to his physical nearness, yet without overpowering her. (N.B.: Should his ordinary aftershave come on too strongly, he violates the "good intentions" rule. "'Seduction doesn't have to be dangerous,' says Michael A. Perelman, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry specializing in sex and marital therapy at Cornell Medical Center in New York. 'And excitement is likeliest to come when people feel safe'" [Dyett 1992:95].)
Presence III. At parties men claim mini-territories, marking the immediate area around them with personal possessions (e.g., newspapers, cell phones, and car keys) set in the reach-space beside their drink glasses, finger food, and napkins. His artifact scatter is a sign of presence: "I am here," and from fixed courting stations (like those of the bowerbird [family Ptilonorhynchidae]), he and his colleagues sit and stand noticeably erect, puff out their chests, tell jokes, posture, and laugh loudly, as if to say, collectively, "We are here."
Presence IV. Meanwhile, women stay on walkabout through the party space--moving from table to couch to kitchen, to the restroom and back--skirting and brushing past the stationary men. A woman may seem to ignore them, but actually reads nonverbal reactions to her movements and gaze. She preens, sweeps her eyes from side to side across a man's line of sight, glances back and forth, and circulates. Her restless to-and-fro bespeaks presence: "I am here."
Gender I. We exaggerate sexual identity to make our gender messages absolutely clear. Grooming signals (e.g., makeup, hair cues, facial hair) and apparel (e.g., high heels, baseball caps, scarves) embellish natural signs to make our sexual preference obvious at a glance.
Gender II. Makeup conceals blemishes and highlights youthful features for men to see. To mimic the ideal courting face of an 18-year-old, women cover wrinkles with flesh-colored powders and creams. Smooth skin seems "youthful" to men, who are very visual creatures in courtship (and for whom seeing is usually believing). Feminine eyes, cheekbones, and lips are marked with pigments to be more visible, expressive, and striking at close quarters and from across a room. The nose is downplayed with makeup, so as not to interfere with the infantile schema (i.e., wide-set eyes and full lips set upon soft, smooth, unblemished skin; see below, Intentions II and RESEARCH REPORTS). (N.B.: Beauty's essential template is the "baby face," with taut cheeks and prominent cheekbones, as pictured on magazine covers throughout the world.)
Gender III. A man's wrinkles need not be covered because facial
lines work in his favor. Horizontal folds on the forehead, vertical
creases between the eyes above the nasal bridge, and slanted naso-labio
grooves (running from the nostril bulbs to the lip corners) give his face
strength-connoting "character." Additional strength comes with a moustache
(bestowing a "fierce" expression) or a beard (to "widen" the lower jaw).
Nonverbally, a man's face plays two roles in courtship: a.
attracting women, and b. intimidating rivals. The ideal face
(as, e.g., seen in the "sexiest men" profiled annually in women's magazines)
combines "rugged" good looks (square jaw, prominent cheek bones, medium brow
ridges) with boyish (i.e., disarming) qualities (wide-set, large eyes; medium
nose; suede-smooth skin).
Gender IV. "Women prefer men whose torso
has an 'inverted triangle' shape (i.e., a narrow waist and a broad chest and
shoulders). This is a shape consistent with physical strength and muscle
development in the upper body" (Maisey
1999).
Gender V. Numerous studies have found that both men
and women rate as being "more attractive" those women whose waists are visibly
narrower than their hips; however, ". . . compared with face research, research
on the human figure is in a poor state" (Henss 2000:501).
Gender
VI. "Like water, bare skin reflects light at night. Nothing under the moon,
not even satin or diamonds, lights up your face and brightens your eyes like a
deep decolletage"(Vienne 1997:154).
Intentions I. In courtship, coming-on too strongly or too soon is
apt to scare a partner away. Men and women need visible signs to be reassured
that moving closer is alright. Because stranger
anxiety incites mistrust, we need welcome signs to draw us
near (See, e.g., HEAD-TILT-SIDE, PALM-UP, SHOULDER-SHRUG, SMILE).
Intentions II. "It [i.e.,
regarding infantilisms] is a widespread phenomenon among mammals and
birds that the male activates the female's brood-tending instinct in order to
approach her and break down her individual barrier. In practice, this means that
the male goes through various behavior patterns peculiar to the young of the
species, thereby eliciting suitably friendly reactions from the female and
facilitating sexual advances" (Hass 1970:75).
Media. According to an Oregon State University study
conducted by Elaine Pedersen, and reported in the Washington Post (Morin
1995), a. women college students ranked "buttocks" seventh in importance
out of 17 attractive male bodily traits; b. men students ranked breasts
ninth out of 18 attractive female traits (women ranked breasts 13th); and
c. women ranked male eyes second, while men ranked female eyes fifth, in
physical attractiveness.
RESEARCH REPORTS: 1.
"Behavior patterns from the realm of parental care are particularly suited for
group cohesion because cherishing behavior is primarily understood by the child
as friendly. Conversely the mother is adjusted to the signals emitted by the
young animal and reacts to them by looking after it" (Eibl-Eibesfeldt 1971:119).
2. "We are left with the more realistic view that the plumage [of the
peacock's tail] is for intimidating other males . . ." (Turner 1984:37).
Copyright 1998 - 2018 (David B. Givens/Center for Nonverbal Studies)
Cover of David Givens's book, Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship (New York: St. Martin's Press [2005, 2006])